The Most Important Gift Guide of 2015

A lot of people suffer holiday anxiety around now. What do I get my parents for Christmas? Should I put those reindeer candle holders up somewhere in the apartment, even though my building doesn't let me burn candles? Does my nephew still like that thing he liked a year ago?

So, I figured I'd give you the only gift-giving advice you'll need this year (or ANY year, really). You ready? Really? Are you sure? Alright, here it is:

None of this matters.